Monday, 8 February 2016

Never feel guilty about depression

Hello all,

I hope you all had a positive weekend?

I had a complete melt down this weekend.  I spent Friday evening and all of Saturday (until 6pm) in bed on my own.  I kept sobbing and did not want to join the world outside my bedroom.  My boyfriend tried so hard to help but when I'm in that state, there's nothing he can do. (is-it-time-to-see-my-doctor?)

I would like to focus more on the important moment when things changed.  It was about 6pm and my boyfriend had reluctantly gone out for the night.  I told him that there was no point in both of us ruining our weekend and he went, probably secretly pleased to be escaping the doom and gloom.

Here is the conversation with myself that followed:

'Come on now, this is ridiculous!  Just get out of bed.  You've already wasted your whole Saturday!"

I slowly pulled myself out of bed, my muscles groaning with every movement.  I put on my slippers and shuffled to the bathroom.  I looked in the mirror - I looked dreadful.

"Just brush your teeth.  You can do that.  Come on!"

I brushed whilst studying the frown lines, tear stained eyes and messy bed hair.

"Well done!  you did it!"

I said this sarcastically but the words of encouragement were actually helping.

"Next you need to shave.  You can manage that."

I shaved.  After that,  I showered and managed to go downstairs and cook a pasta meal.  I congratulated myself each step of the way.  However, the most important thing I told myself was this:

"You can't change what has happened today.  It's done.  You must not feel guilty but feel proud of all you have achieved.   You have had a bad day and that's ok.  We all have them and it probably won't be your last.  You just have to manage it as best you can."

For the rest of the evening, I drank water - not alcohol (alcohol-causes-depression). I started the fire and watched 'The Voice' (I love Paloma Faith) (the-power-of-music) and then I found a great, uplifting film on Netflix called 'Hector and the Search for Happiness', which I highly recommend.

At about midnight, I went to bed feeling absolutely exhausted but more positive.  Even though, compared to my 'normal' standards I had achieved nothing, I felt like I had pretty much conquered the world!

In future, I will try to remember to celebrate every achievement and to never feel guilty about being depressed.

Won't be beaten

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