Friday, 29 January 2016

Depression: it's not all bad!

Hi there,

I've just rushed through the busy streets getting completely drenched whilst listening to Taylor Swift, 1989 - a great album from start to finish (if you like chart music).  You'll be pleased to know I got my train: and a seat!
Today has been a strange one.  This morning I felt completely drained and basically shuffled to school.  The kids were on top form though and managed to lift my spirits.  Suddenly I remember why I teach.  The working week is done and I'm feeling good for the first time all week.  I'm looking forward to spending time with my boyfriend's family and just relaxing in the countryside.  Escaping your home city is so important as I truly believe that a change from routine allows your mind to have a reshuffle and forget the daily pressures all around us.

Depression is a funny thing isn't it.  I feel tired today but otherwise normal.  How is it that in one day I've gone from complete misery to fine?  It's important to remember that no matter how low you feel, it never lasts forever - well as long as you are reasonably looking after yourself.  Even if that's all you achieve in a day, you have to make sure you eat, sleep and meet your bodies basic needs.

The cycle I find myself in can be so unpredictable and depression can take me by complete surprise.  I do know that lack of sleep is a huge factor.  I get very low when I'm over tired.  I think my body is very sensitive to change.  I get cranky when hungry and spotty when stressed.

As I say, I'm really looking forward to a calm weekend, which is just what I need.  I don't get to see my boyfriend much in the week due to different schedules so spending time with him will really help me maintain this new found positivity!

I hope you have a positive weekend but if you don't then remember that it's not all bad and things will change.

We won't be beaten :)

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Thursday, 28 January 2016

Alcohol causes depression; or the other way around?

Hello readers!

It is completely brilliant to see that people out there are reading.  It would be so fantastic to hear from you and your experiences!

I am shattered today; the light box is on and I'm drinking wine as I write.  Since teaching, my alcohol intake has increased dramatically.  I think it numbs my brain and helps me forget about the stresses of the day.  The problem though is that it is also linked to depression!  I know I need to cut down or stop altogether but I'm stuck in a cycle.  I'm so used to a glass or two after work that I didn't even ponder Dry January!

I have always struggled with alcohol and as I am complete light weight, I have terrible hangovers and I end up feeling rubbish for days after.  Why do I do it to myself?  Social pressure plays a huge part.  Every time I'm asked out, it involves drinking.  It's impossible to avoid and when you try, you are judged by everyone around you who thinks you are either the most boring person on the planet or you have something seriously wrong with you!  Maybe I'm just trying to be a little healthier?  The next time I refuse a drink, I should just be honest and tell them that I don't want to drink because it makes me cry and feel low.

When I'm having a bad time and I go out drinking (proper out all night drinking), it is a complete car crash - even now.  I become rude, arrogant, negative and start crying uncontrollably.  The amount of birthdays I have ruined because I get carried away!  I've had shirt sleeves ripped off, my face slapped and have been pushed off a podium more times than I can remember - all caused by the lack of self control when it comes to a pint on a night out.

When will I learn that drinking is not good for me and is not good for my depression?  Next week, starting Monday, I will have a no alcohol rule.  I wonder if my week will improve and teaching will seem more bearable...I'll let you know.  It's 5 days.  I can manage 5 days...

I hope you have an excellent Friday.

Won't be beaten

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Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Teaching and depression - the perfect team?

Hello to anyone reading,

It's my second post in 2 days - I'm keen!

I've had a tough day at school today.  At the moment everyday feels tough.  I'm a Year group leader so I am constantly bombarded with all kinds of problems that I'm expected to solve, even though I am a full time teacher too! 
I'm not sure that being a teacher suits me really.  I am good with kids and they do make progress but I am always shattered and grumpy at home.  My evenings are spent sat in front of the TV feeling glum.  I try to do things such as: gym, drinks, dinner, cinema but I feel too tired and often cancel.  I never have energy in the evenings - my body feels like I have arthritis sometimes and every movement is a struggle.

I hate having every minute of my day accounted for with lessons, meetings, break times and assemblies; there is no time to just sit and chill, and if you do manage it, then you can be rest assured that some ridiculous colleague will come and disturb you with a silly problem that they could solve if they actually used a brain cell.

I love being calm and I don't get to feel like that very often at school.  I think teaching adds to my dislike of socialising too as I spent all day talking and being around frustrating people (adults) so when I have free time, I just want to shut down!

Recently, I've been thinking of alternate careers which could still stimulate me but not take over my life so much...I'm stumped!  A professional blogger would be brilliant but I'll need to get a few more readers than me, myself and I!  What do other people with depression do?  Do they manage a successful career?

For now, I'll ponder my life choices while I 'charge up' (my boyfriend's description) with the light box.  I will evaluate the effectiveness of the light box soon...

We won't be beaten :)

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Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Honestly depressed for the first time.

Honestly depressed

It's winter and as per usual, I am struggling with depression.  I wake up every morning feeling bored of my job, bored of routine and bored with my life: sometimes I think I am just a boring person but, when I am strong, I remember that that's the depression talking. 
Do you ever feel boring?
At the moment, I don't want to go out and I don't want to socialise with my family or friends.  Luckily, I have lots of people in my life who care and I do get invited to nights out, dinners and events, however, the problem is, I don't want to go... Sometimes I literally force myself out of the door just because it's what I SHOULD do.  Recently I've been out and really have not enjoyed myself - I find the company (my friends) dull and I get anxious when I go to rowdy, noisy pubs. 

I often think I'm living a lie.  I've spent my life since school pretending to be someone I'm not.  I learnt quickly how to hide my depression and to keep smiling, even though I was miserable inside.  I'm sick of lying;  Why can't I be the person I pretend to be?  Mr happy go lucky...
Are you able to hide your depression?

I have a career, a long-term boyfriend, I own a house, I have friends, I'm healthy but I suffer from depression.  I've tried all sorts of solutions but I think my depression is genetic.  I think I was a depressed child.

I will try to continue this blog (I often start random things which I don't follow through with).

I will end on a positive.  I suffer from depression but I have good days and sometimes I don't even remember I suffer from it.  It does not define me and I do have lots of good in my life.  This blog may even help further - I hope so...

Won't be beaten

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