Fear of Being Alone

Fear of Being Alone...

Today I spent time in the sunshine with a single, male friend of mine.  After a beer or two, he said he was going to head home to eat and watch a film.  I cheekily asked if he wanted one more pint (we'd already had 3) but he declined... I felt sad...my boyfriend is currently away with work and the thought of being home alone upset me. 

My regular readers may be aware that I'm a teacher and I live with my boyfriend.  He works some evenings and weekends, so there are times when I find myself on my own.  As I walked home this afternoon, slightly drunk, I wondered why I was dreading spending time on my own?  What was so awful about my own company?  (i-will-not-spend-my-half-term-depressed)

Talking to my friend today, I realised that I've never really been on my own for very long; there's always been a potential or actual boyfriend.  I was in a long term relationship for 7 years, which was extremely destructive for probably a good 5 years of it - that's a whole separate post.  Afterwards, I was a complete mess and swiftly found a rebound.  He was lovely but still a rebound and our 6 month relationship was a complete disaster because I was in no fit state to be thinking about anyone other than myself.  I have to say that he was not quite ready either and we both completely messed each other around by playing horrific mind games, which damaged us both. 

Eventually, I found the strength and wisdom to stop the never-ending cycle of will we, won't we and I finally ended it.  It had been an emotionally draining 6 months.  After nearly a decade of damaging relationships, I had hit an all time low, and was actually ready to start slowly building myself up again (on my own), until I met my current boyfriend.  I was hesitant at first because my head was telling me that I needed time to be single, to deal with the past few years and to find 'me' again (sorry for the cliché).  However, this new man was a complete gentlemen and was exactly who I had imagined sharing my life with.  I took it step by step and I was definitely in control until I was sure I could trust him and that I would not get hurt beyond recovery; I was very aware that I was extremely fragile at this point.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for nearly 4 years now.  We own a house, have already shared a great deal of pain, happiness, loss and laughter, and we are still going strong.  I do not regret my decision to begin a new relationship after never really dealing with my past ones.  Sometimes you have to grasp opportunities when they arise.  However, I do wonder about the importance of being comfortable in your own skin and having the ability to enjoy your own company. I'm not sure I have ever managed this!


As a teacher, I get lots of time off and I do find it difficult (feel free to swear at the poor man with too much holiday).   Sometimes I get lonely and feel like I'm missing out on the world around me when really I should be taking time to express myself and making the most out of being able to do exactly what I want to do; something that isn't always possible when in a relationship.  I should listen to music (the-power-of-music) without worrying that my boyfriend doesn't like it, write my blog which I find helps my mental health, visit friends who I never get to see because of daily stresses,  and just be who I am and who I was before I found myself in relationship after relationship.
(depression-and-daily-stress-of-life)

I'm not suggesting that the grass is greener and that I long to be single because I don't - I love my boyfriend very much!  I guess I'm saying that I would like to be content in my relationship as well as with myself.  I need to think of time alone as a privilege and not as a chore.  I think it's important to make the most of each situation, whether that be by yourself or not. 

Unfortunately, society seems to view being single or alone as less desirable than having a partner.  I wonder if anyone is ever truly happy when single or whether it's a case of making the most of it until hopefully the right person comes along?  It's so important not to stay in the wrong relationship for fear of being alone, which is something I have learnt the hard way and will write about soon. 

Maybe this post is extremely ignorant and naïve because I've never given myself time to find out what being single is like?  Perhaps the fear of being alone is just my fear...

Won't Be Beaten

Read my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Running from Depression

Hello again readers,

I am completely overwhelmed by all the support this blog has received since my first post: thank you!
honestly-depressed-for-first-time

This week, I have been filling my body with as much carbs and protein as I can take.  The reason for the increase in chicken, fish, eggs, rice and beans is because on Sunday, I am running the Brighton Half Marathon!  I am extremely nervous because training has not gone well.  As usual, I have been very stressed at work, which I think has triggered depression.  I have persevered though and with my past experiences under my belt, (2 Marathons and 1 half) I have finally decided that I am not pulling out! depression-and-daily-stress-of-life 
 teaching and depression the perfect team

On Monday, I went for my longest run this year of 8.15 miles.  I was slow but I did it and I could have carried on.  I am so pleased I forced myself out because it boosted my confidence.  The moon was out and shone down on me as I ran along the atmospheric sea front and there were lots of other runners out too.  It was great to secretly compete with them to try to pick up my pace. 

However, the best thing about the run wasn't the fresh air, beautiful scenery or the interactions with complete strangers and that sense of community; it was that my mind was calm, peaceful and I was lost in the moment.  All of my anxieties and stresses vanished as I was transfixed on what I was doing - running.  I felt like the pure version of me, without the dramas, negativity and doubt that the world forces you to deal with.  It was extremely liberating!  depression-its-not-all-bad

Don't get me wrong, most of the time, the idea of changing into my running gear, braving the cold and exercising when I'm tired and hungry seems horrific, but when I'm actually out there doing it, I feel fantastic and completely positive.  One of the main reasons why I am not cancelling the Half Marathon this Sunday is because I remember the rush of excitement, pride and happiness I feel when I pass that finish line!  It really is the best feeling!

So, tomorrow after approximately 2 hours of running, when I will be cold, exhausted, starving and my legs are tight and screaming out in pain, I will remember that I didn't let work control my life and I didn't let stress and depression stop me from achieving something important to me.  These positive thoughts will support me through my tough times when depression seems to be winning!
never-feel-guilty-about-depression    
is-it-time-to-see-my-doctor?

I'm not saying that running is for everyone but any form of exercise where you can lose yourself for those few minutes is something worth trying.  I think we are at our happiest when we are living in the moment and not worrying about the past or contemplating the future...

Wish me luck for tomorrow

Won't be beaten

Read my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Alcohol-causes-depression-or-other-way?

I will not spend my half-term depressed on social media

Happy Birthday dad - how past can affect us

The power of music on the mind

Half term depressed on social media

Hello again,

It's been a week or so since I wrote anything new because I've been trying to live my life as opposed to write about it.  I also became a little addicted to Google+, Twitter and Tumblr when initially trying to promote the blog.  Thankfully, I'm over that now and will not be spending most of the day posting links! Phew!

It was Valentine's Day last weekend and now it's half term, and for once I'm truly appreciating it.  Usually, my week off arrives and my boyfriend hides away because I am a complete nightmare.  I get so bored because all my friends are at work or busy and I find myself alone; this is not good for me because I start thinking too much and feel low and frustrated.  I spend the week focused on Facebook, getting jealous of all the amazing places people visit and things they do - social media really isn't good for the soul sometimes!  depression-its-not-all-bad

However, this half term feels different.  I think it's because I have really been struggling at work recently and have been desperate not to go in.  There was a time a week or so ago when depression really made it's presence felt and I wasn't sure if I could carry on with school.  Half term this time round feels like a complete blessing! is-it-time-to-see-my-doctor?

teaching-and-depression-the-perfect-team?

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I bought plants and bulbs for the garden and I loved getting lost in my own world as I sowed seeds, dug holes and delicately placed bulbs the correct depth and distance apart - it was completely therapeutic!  I can't wait for the sunshine and warmth to arrive so I can sit out in the garden and potter.  I can get a tad obsessed with the garden, ensuring everything is happy and well looked after but I think this is a good kind of obsession.


Last night, as no one was free, I went to a Gabrielle Aplin concert on my own.  I'm so glad I went because she was absolutely wonderful.  I arrived early, enjoyed the support acts and took in the positive atmosphere and beautiful music, which made me smile inside and out.  I nearly didn't go because nerves took over and I became very self conscious. I started to imagine strangers staring at me and judging me but then I told myself to get over it and I went.  In the past, I have gone on my own to the theatre and cinema.  I don't think there is any shame in going solo.  If you really want to see something and no one else is bothered, then why should you miss out?  the-power-of-music

Today I am off to the gym after I write this (I will discuss the gym soon) and then I am being picked up by a friend of mine and we are heading to the countryside for lunch.  I'm really trying to make the most of my time away from the many stresses of teaching.

It's something I always say to myself and then forget; I must be grateful for all I have and not compare myself to others - especially on social media!

Hope you're week is a positive one.

Won't be beaten

Read my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Depression and the daily stress of life

Hello there,

Before I begin, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who is reading so far and for all the words of encouragement! 

My last entry mentioned that I was heading to the country for a relaxing weekend; it was wonderful:  good food, calm, beautiful surroundings and above all, fantastic company.  I returned home feeling like a new person entirely! I am so pleased that I pushed myself to go.  Then Monday arrived...

I woke up and from 6.30am, when I am told that a member of staff is off sick, to 6pm, when I eventually sneak out of school, I don't stop - barely finding time to wee!  I find myself darting around the school, making sure that everything goes smoothly and the year group (I'm a year leader) is not crumbling around me.  Finally, the working day is done and I have survived.  Then I make my way home...

The one single thing I managed to do for myself today was to buy Sia's new album.  I'm a massive fan; I love the drama and my body tingles to her emotive lyrics.   Before you judge me, yes I still buy CDs.  Its a my guilty pleasure!  Anyway, I rush from school to the shop (arriving just in time) then frantically hot step it to the busy supermarket to buy dinner.  I grab a few bits as I can't cope with the people who have no social awareness and I just want my slippers on at this point.  I pay for the items and am judged because I forgot to bring reusable bags with me and have to buy more!  The scandal!

  Next, I arrive home, take out the bins, which have somehow managed to ooze a vinegar-like substance all over the kitchen floor so I mop that up too.  I remember to put on the dinner and then I unload and load the dishwasher which hasn't been done in a week because I struggled to do anything last week and my boyfriend works long hours and is barely home some weekdays.  In truth, it is my job.

Finally, at 7.30pm, I sit down to a curry dinner and I can write my blog (the second thing today that I want to do for myself).  No wonder I suffer from depression - daily living in the modern world is unsustainable and far too hectic and stressful!

I urge you to be better than me, take a stand and try to slow down once in a while.  Go buy a CD.  Listen to it.  Do one or two things each day simply because you want to.  I need to take my own advice more than anyone.  Sometimes I worry the stress will cause me to have a heart attack.  I need to watch my stress levels because it's not good for anyone.

I love doing so many things but never seem to have time for any of them.  I think I need to stop complaining, take responsibility for my own actions and force myself to do the things I enjoy more often - it can only have a positive affect!

I hope your Monday was not as manic as mine felt.

We won't be beaten

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/

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Alcohol causes depression; or the other way around?

Hello readers!

It is completely brilliant to see that people out there are reading.  It would be so fantastic to hear from you and your experiences!

I am shattered today; the light box is on and I'm drinking wine as I write.  Since teaching, my alcohol intake has increased dramatically.  I think it numbs my brain and helps me forget about the stresses of the day.  The problem though is that it is also linked to depression!  I know I need to cut down or stop altogether but I'm stuck in a cycle.  I'm so used to a glass or two after work that I didn't even ponder Dry January!

I have always struggled with alcohol and as I am complete light weight, I have terrible hangovers and I end up feeling rubbish for days after.  Why do I do it to myself?  Social pressure plays a huge part.  Every time I'm asked out, it involves drinking.  It's impossible to avoid and when you try, you are judged by everyone around you who thinks you are either the most boring person on the planet or you have something seriously wrong with you!  Maybe I'm just trying to be a little healthier?  The next time I refuse a drink, I should just be honest and tell them that I don't want to drink because it makes me cry and feel low.

When I'm having a bad time and I go out drinking (proper out all night drinking), it is a complete car crash - even now.  I become rude, arrogant, negative and start crying uncontrollably.  The amount of birthdays I have ruined because I get carried away!  I've had shirt sleeves ripped off, my face slapped and have been pushed off a podium more times than I can remember - all caused by the lack of self control when it comes to a pint on a night out.

When will I learn that drinking is not good for me and is not good for my depression?  Next week, starting Monday, I will have a no alcohol rule.  I wonder if my week will improve and teaching will seem more bearable...I'll let you know.  It's 5 days.  I can manage 5 days...

I hope you have an excellent Friday.

Won't be beaten

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/

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Teaching and depression - the perfect team?

Hello to anyone reading,

It's my second post in 2 days - I'm keen!

I've had a tough day at school today.  At the moment everyday feels tough.  I'm a Year group leader so I am constantly bombarded with all kinds of problems that I'm expected to solve, even though I am a full time teacher too! 
I'm not sure that being a teacher suits me really.  I am good with kids and they do make progress but I am always shattered and grumpy at home.  My evenings are spent sat in front of the TV feeling glum.  I try to do things such as: gym, drinks, dinner, cinema but I feel too tired and often cancel.  I never have energy in the evenings - my body feels like I have arthritis sometimes and every movement is a struggle.

I hate having every minute of my day accounted for with lessons, meetings, break times and assemblies; there is no time to just sit and chill, and if you do manage it, then you can be rest assured that some ridiculous colleague will come and disturb you with a silly problem that they could solve if they actually used a brain cell.

I love being calm and I don't get to feel like that very often at school.  I think teaching adds to my dislike of socialising too as I spent all day talking and being around frustrating people (adults) so when I have free time, I just want to shut down!

Recently, I've been thinking of alternate careers which could still stimulate me but not take over my life so much...I'm stumped!  A professional blogger would be brilliant but I'll need to get a few more readers than me, myself and I!  What do other people with depression do?  Do they manage a successful career?

For now, I'll ponder my life choices while I 'charge up' (my boyfriend's description) with the light box.  I will evaluate the effectiveness of the light box soon...

We won't be beaten :)

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/


http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/depression-and-daily-stress-of-life.html?m=1

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/depression-its-not-all-bad.html?m=1

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/honestly-depressed-for-first-time.html?m=1

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/alcohol-causes-depression-or-other-way.html?m=1