Response to my absent dad

I received a text from my dad today because it is my birthday tomorrow.  I am waiting a while to decide if I should send my response:

Hi Dad,

I'm not well but thanks for asking.  I suffer from depression and have done since childhood.  I almost dropped out of school because of my mental health.

Sometimes at its worst, I can't leave my bed and I cry uncontrollably.  I've researched it a lot, had counselling and been on medication before.  Luckily, I manage to live a fairly normal life.

I believe that part of the reason why I suffer from depression is because of you and the way I was treated growing up.

All I wanted as a child was to feel loved by my dad but you were unable to do that.

happy birthday dad: how past can affect us

I'm 33 tomorrow.  I don't need or want presents or money from you.  I have needed help and financial support from you in the past but you didn't get in contact or show interest, even after I moved out of home.

I reached out to you a while back and arranged to meet.  I did this to get things off my chest and to try and take away all the sadness I have felt for years.  When we met you apologised and I am grateful to you for that.  I needed to hear you say sorry.

Afterwards you paid me £1000 and nothing changed.  I opened the door to you and you did nothing to try to start any form of relationship.

I don't blame you.  I don't think you have ever been able to give me what I needed, even if you wanted to.  

We are not able to understand each other and never have been.  I imagine you will read this explanation and think I'm weak, soft and pathetic.  It's taken years for me to realise that I'm actually very strong,  sensitive and a good man.

I asked mum not to give you my address because I don't want you in my life.  Mum has nothing to do with my views.  I'm an intelligent adult who knows his own mind.  This is about me and you.

When I receive texts and cards from you on my birthday, it just makes me feel sad because I remember that I don't really have a dad.  I have spent my whole life trying to forget feeling rejected by you.

I don't want reminders from you anymore.  It's like a ghost haunting me.  I'd rather just be left alone to enjoy my birthday with people who love me.

I appreciate that you might think that you are making an effort now but for me it's too little too late.  Sometimes there is too much hurt to move on.

Your son

Read my complete blog here:

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Half term depressed on social media

Hello again,

It's been a week or so since I wrote anything new because I've been trying to live my life as opposed to write about it.  I also became a little addicted to Google+, Twitter and Tumblr when initially trying to promote the blog.  Thankfully, I'm over that now and will not be spending most of the day posting links! Phew!

It was Valentine's Day last weekend and now it's half term, and for once I'm truly appreciating it.  Usually, my week off arrives and my boyfriend hides away because I am a complete nightmare.  I get so bored because all my friends are at work or busy and I find myself alone; this is not good for me because I start thinking too much and feel low and frustrated.  I spend the week focused on Facebook, getting jealous of all the amazing places people visit and things they do - social media really isn't good for the soul sometimes!  depression-its-not-all-bad

However, this half term feels different.  I think it's because I have really been struggling at work recently and have been desperate not to go in.  There was a time a week or so ago when depression really made it's presence felt and I wasn't sure if I could carry on with school.  Half term this time round feels like a complete blessing! is-it-time-to-see-my-doctor?

teaching-and-depression-the-perfect-team?

Over the weekend, my boyfriend and I bought plants and bulbs for the garden and I loved getting lost in my own world as I sowed seeds, dug holes and delicately placed bulbs the correct depth and distance apart - it was completely therapeutic!  I can't wait for the sunshine and warmth to arrive so I can sit out in the garden and potter.  I can get a tad obsessed with the garden, ensuring everything is happy and well looked after but I think this is a good kind of obsession.


Last night, as no one was free, I went to a Gabrielle Aplin concert on my own.  I'm so glad I went because she was absolutely wonderful.  I arrived early, enjoyed the support acts and took in the positive atmosphere and beautiful music, which made me smile inside and out.  I nearly didn't go because nerves took over and I became very self conscious. I started to imagine strangers staring at me and judging me but then I told myself to get over it and I went.  In the past, I have gone on my own to the theatre and cinema.  I don't think there is any shame in going solo.  If you really want to see something and no one else is bothered, then why should you miss out?  the-power-of-music

Today I am off to the gym after I write this (I will discuss the gym soon) and then I am being picked up by a friend of mine and we are heading to the countryside for lunch.  I'm really trying to make the most of my time away from the many stresses of teaching.

It's something I always say to myself and then forget; I must be grateful for all I have and not compare myself to others - especially on social media!

Hope you're week is a positive one.

Won't be beaten

Read my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Never feel guilty about depression

Hello all,

I hope you all had a positive weekend?

I had a complete melt down this weekend.  I spent Friday evening and all of Saturday (until 6pm) in bed on my own.  I kept sobbing and did not want to join the world outside my bedroom.  My boyfriend tried so hard to help but when I'm in that state, there's nothing he can do. (is-it-time-to-see-my-doctor?)

I would like to focus more on the important moment when things changed.  It was about 6pm and my boyfriend had reluctantly gone out for the night.  I told him that there was no point in both of us ruining our weekend and he went, probably secretly pleased to be escaping the doom and gloom.

Here is the conversation with myself that followed:

'Come on now, this is ridiculous!  Just get out of bed.  You've already wasted your whole Saturday!"

I slowly pulled myself out of bed, my muscles groaning with every movement.  I put on my slippers and shuffled to the bathroom.  I looked in the mirror - I looked dreadful.

"Just brush your teeth.  You can do that.  Come on!"

I brushed whilst studying the frown lines, tear stained eyes and messy bed hair.

"Well done!  you did it!"

I said this sarcastically but the words of encouragement were actually helping.

"Next you need to shave.  You can manage that."

I shaved.  After that,  I showered and managed to go downstairs and cook a pasta meal.  I congratulated myself each step of the way.  However, the most important thing I told myself was this:

"You can't change what has happened today.  It's done.  You must not feel guilty but feel proud of all you have achieved.   You have had a bad day and that's ok.  We all have them and it probably won't be your last.  You just have to manage it as best you can."

For the rest of the evening, I drank water - not alcohol (alcohol-causes-depression). I started the fire and watched 'The Voice' (I love Paloma Faith) (the-power-of-music) and then I found a great, uplifting film on Netflix called 'Hector and the Search for Happiness', which I highly recommend.

At about midnight, I went to bed feeling absolutely exhausted but more positive.  Even though, compared to my 'normal' standards I had achieved nothing, I felt like I had pretty much conquered the world!

In future, I will try to remember to celebrate every achievement and to never feel guilty about being depressed.

Won't be beaten

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Happy Birthday dad - how the past can affect us.

Good evening all,

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I often find myself feeling low and reflective at this time.  I'd love to say that this year, I was treating him to dinner or buying him the most amazing present but I don't know what he likes to eat and would have no idea for a present.  I haven't spent time with him since I was about 13 - I'm now 32.  Well, I did meet him a few years ago...

It was the holidays and when I'm not at school, I think too much and thinking always leads me to my dad.  I arranged to meet him, to talk to him, to get my childhood off of my chest.  I had to contact him because since my parent's divorced, he has made no effort to see me. 

We met at a local pub and I offloaded.  I told him that I was terrified of him growing up and that I used to hide in my room when he returned from work.  I recalled how he used to belittle me for studying and told me I should find something better to do.  I told him how afraid I felt when he used to pin my head down against a wall to assert his dominance and reminded him of the time he spat in my face and demanded that I stayed in my room until he returned.  He was gone for hours and when he got back, he shouted at me for doing as he had demanded.  In his head, my actions had made him look bad in front of my aunty, who had been visiting at the time and who had tried to coax me out.  I used the word reminded earlier because he had forgotten these memories.  These memories that have haunted me my whole life and have affected me in ways I still probably now don't realise; he had forgotten. 

My dad was a bully.  He bullied my mum and his children because he had to feel in control.  He would shout, stomp around the house and make me feel stressed and nervous.  I was an extremely quiet, anxious child because I was too afraid to say anything in case he would get angry.  My dad's temper stifled me and I never really expressed myself until he was gone.  After he left, he tried to hurt my mum in any way possible, blaming her for the breakup.  She should have left a long time earlier but she was controlled and afraid more than any of us.  I remember at the age of 14 desperately trying to push my dad away from our house as he attempted to grab my mum.  He used to just laugh at me. 

I finally decided last year, after the odd card from him for my birthday, that I didn't want a relationship with my dad.  He had abandoned me as a child when I needed him (I have needed him on many occasions) and now a relationship with him seems pointless or even damaging.  I don't like him or respect him as a person.  I should make it clear that my dad was abused by his father so there are reasons for his behaviour but this does not justify it - not in my eyes anyway.  The only saving grace was that during our encounter, he did apologize and showed some remorse, although he made no effort with me after.

I don't have a dad and never really have but I wish I did.  I'm a sensitive and emotional person and having that support and love would have been life changing.  Knowing my dad still lives but that we don't have a relationship often makes me sad.  I am however extremely lucky to have an amazing mum who has always been there and has shown me more love than I could ever imagine. 

Happy birthday dad - I wish things could have been different.

Won't be beaten

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/the-power-of-music-on-your-mood.html
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/depression-and-daily-stress-of-life.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/honestly-depressed-for-first-time.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/teaching-and-depression-perfect-team.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/alcohol-causes-depression-or-other-way.html?m=1

Honestly depressed for the first time.

Honestly depressed

It's winter and as per usual, I am struggling with depression.  I wake up every morning feeling bored of my job, bored of routine and bored with my life: sometimes I think I am just a boring person but, when I am strong, I remember that that's the depression talking. 
Do you ever feel boring?
At the moment, I don't want to go out and I don't want to socialise with my family or friends.  Luckily, I have lots of people in my life who care and I do get invited to nights out, dinners and events, however, the problem is, I don't want to go... Sometimes I literally force myself out of the door just because it's what I SHOULD do.  Recently I've been out and really have not enjoyed myself - I find the company (my friends) dull and I get anxious when I go to rowdy, noisy pubs. 

I often think I'm living a lie.  I've spent my life since school pretending to be someone I'm not.  I learnt quickly how to hide my depression and to keep smiling, even though I was miserable inside.  I'm sick of lying;  Why can't I be the person I pretend to be?  Mr happy go lucky...
Are you able to hide your depression?

I have a career, a long-term boyfriend, I own a house, I have friends, I'm healthy but I suffer from depression.  I've tried all sorts of solutions but I think my depression is genetic.  I think I was a depressed child.

I will try to continue this blog (I often start random things which I don't follow through with).

I will end on a positive.  I suffer from depression but I have good days and sometimes I don't even remember I suffer from it.  It does not define me and I do have lots of good in my life.  This blog may even help further - I hope so...

Won't be beaten

Read my complete blog:
honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/depression-its-not-all-bad.html?m=1

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/alcohol-causes-depression-or-other-way.html?m=1

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1