Fear of Being Alone

Fear of Being Alone...

Today I spent time in the sunshine with a single, male friend of mine.  After a beer or two, he said he was going to head home to eat and watch a film.  I cheekily asked if he wanted one more pint (we'd already had 3) but he declined... I felt sad...my boyfriend is currently away with work and the thought of being home alone upset me. 

My regular readers may be aware that I'm a teacher and I live with my boyfriend.  He works some evenings and weekends, so there are times when I find myself on my own.  As I walked home this afternoon, slightly drunk, I wondered why I was dreading spending time on my own?  What was so awful about my own company?  (i-will-not-spend-my-half-term-depressed)

Talking to my friend today, I realised that I've never really been on my own for very long; there's always been a potential or actual boyfriend.  I was in a long term relationship for 7 years, which was extremely destructive for probably a good 5 years of it - that's a whole separate post.  Afterwards, I was a complete mess and swiftly found a rebound.  He was lovely but still a rebound and our 6 month relationship was a complete disaster because I was in no fit state to be thinking about anyone other than myself.  I have to say that he was not quite ready either and we both completely messed each other around by playing horrific mind games, which damaged us both. 

Eventually, I found the strength and wisdom to stop the never-ending cycle of will we, won't we and I finally ended it.  It had been an emotionally draining 6 months.  After nearly a decade of damaging relationships, I had hit an all time low, and was actually ready to start slowly building myself up again (on my own), until I met my current boyfriend.  I was hesitant at first because my head was telling me that I needed time to be single, to deal with the past few years and to find 'me' again (sorry for the cliché).  However, this new man was a complete gentlemen and was exactly who I had imagined sharing my life with.  I took it step by step and I was definitely in control until I was sure I could trust him and that I would not get hurt beyond recovery; I was very aware that I was extremely fragile at this point.

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for nearly 4 years now.  We own a house, have already shared a great deal of pain, happiness, loss and laughter, and we are still going strong.  I do not regret my decision to begin a new relationship after never really dealing with my past ones.  Sometimes you have to grasp opportunities when they arise.  However, I do wonder about the importance of being comfortable in your own skin and having the ability to enjoy your own company. I'm not sure I have ever managed this!


As a teacher, I get lots of time off and I do find it difficult (feel free to swear at the poor man with too much holiday).   Sometimes I get lonely and feel like I'm missing out on the world around me when really I should be taking time to express myself and making the most out of being able to do exactly what I want to do; something that isn't always possible when in a relationship.  I should listen to music (the-power-of-music) without worrying that my boyfriend doesn't like it, write my blog which I find helps my mental health, visit friends who I never get to see because of daily stresses,  and just be who I am and who I was before I found myself in relationship after relationship.
(depression-and-daily-stress-of-life)

I'm not suggesting that the grass is greener and that I long to be single because I don't - I love my boyfriend very much!  I guess I'm saying that I would like to be content in my relationship as well as with myself.  I need to think of time alone as a privilege and not as a chore.  I think it's important to make the most of each situation, whether that be by yourself or not. 

Unfortunately, society seems to view being single or alone as less desirable than having a partner.  I wonder if anyone is ever truly happy when single or whether it's a case of making the most of it until hopefully the right person comes along?  It's so important not to stay in the wrong relationship for fear of being alone, which is something I have learnt the hard way and will write about soon. 

Maybe this post is extremely ignorant and naïve because I've never given myself time to find out what being single is like?  Perhaps the fear of being alone is just my fear...

Won't Be Beaten

Read my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk

Happy Birthday dad - how the past can affect us.

Good evening all,

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I often find myself feeling low and reflective at this time.  I'd love to say that this year, I was treating him to dinner or buying him the most amazing present but I don't know what he likes to eat and would have no idea for a present.  I haven't spent time with him since I was about 13 - I'm now 32.  Well, I did meet him a few years ago...

It was the holidays and when I'm not at school, I think too much and thinking always leads me to my dad.  I arranged to meet him, to talk to him, to get my childhood off of my chest.  I had to contact him because since my parent's divorced, he has made no effort to see me. 

We met at a local pub and I offloaded.  I told him that I was terrified of him growing up and that I used to hide in my room when he returned from work.  I recalled how he used to belittle me for studying and told me I should find something better to do.  I told him how afraid I felt when he used to pin my head down against a wall to assert his dominance and reminded him of the time he spat in my face and demanded that I stayed in my room until he returned.  He was gone for hours and when he got back, he shouted at me for doing as he had demanded.  In his head, my actions had made him look bad in front of my aunty, who had been visiting at the time and who had tried to coax me out.  I used the word reminded earlier because he had forgotten these memories.  These memories that have haunted me my whole life and have affected me in ways I still probably now don't realise; he had forgotten. 

My dad was a bully.  He bullied my mum and his children because he had to feel in control.  He would shout, stomp around the house and make me feel stressed and nervous.  I was an extremely quiet, anxious child because I was too afraid to say anything in case he would get angry.  My dad's temper stifled me and I never really expressed myself until he was gone.  After he left, he tried to hurt my mum in any way possible, blaming her for the breakup.  She should have left a long time earlier but she was controlled and afraid more than any of us.  I remember at the age of 14 desperately trying to push my dad away from our house as he attempted to grab my mum.  He used to just laugh at me. 

I finally decided last year, after the odd card from him for my birthday, that I didn't want a relationship with my dad.  He had abandoned me as a child when I needed him (I have needed him on many occasions) and now a relationship with him seems pointless or even damaging.  I don't like him or respect him as a person.  I should make it clear that my dad was abused by his father so there are reasons for his behaviour but this does not justify it - not in my eyes anyway.  The only saving grace was that during our encounter, he did apologize and showed some remorse, although he made no effort with me after.

I don't have a dad and never really have but I wish I did.  I'm a sensitive and emotional person and having that support and love would have been life changing.  Knowing my dad still lives but that we don't have a relationship often makes me sad.  I am however extremely lucky to have an amazing mum who has always been there and has shown me more love than I could ever imagine. 

Happy birthday dad - I wish things could have been different.

Won't be beaten

Follow my complete blog here:
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/

http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/the-power-of-music-on-your-mood.html
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/02/depression-and-daily-stress-of-life.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/honestly-depressed-for-first-time.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/teaching-and-depression-perfect-team.html?m=1
http://honestlydepressed.blogspot.co.uk/2016/01/alcohol-causes-depression-or-other-way.html?m=1