Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Response to my absent dad

I received a text from my dad today because it is my birthday tomorrow.  I am waiting a while to decide if I should send my response:

Hi Dad,

I'm not well but thanks for asking.  I suffer from depression and have done since childhood.  I almost dropped out of school because of my mental health.
Sometimes at its worst, I can't leave my bed and I cry uncontrollably.  I've researched it a lot, had counselling and been on medication before.  Luckily, I manage to live a fairly normal life.

I believe that part of the reason why I suffer from depression is because of you and the way I was treated growing up.
All I wanted as a child was to feel loved by my dad but you were unable to do that.
happy birthday dad: how past can affect us

I'm 33 tomorrow.  I don't need or want presents or money from you.  I have needed help and financial support from you in the past but you didn't get in contact or show interest, even after I moved out of home.

I reached out to you a while back and arranged to meet.  I did this to get things off my chest and to try and take away all the sadness I have felt for years.  When we met you apologised and I am grateful to you for that.  I needed to hear you say sorry.

Afterwards you paid me £1000 and nothing changed.  I opened the door to you and you did nothing to try to start any form of relationship.
I don't blame you.  I don't think you have ever been able to give me what I needed, even if you wanted to.  

We are not able to understand each other and never have been.  I imagine you will read this explanation and think I'm weak, soft and pathetic.  It's taken years for me to realise that I'm actually very strong,  sensitive and a good man.

I asked mum not to give you my address because I don't want you in my life.  Mum has nothing to do with my views.  I'm an intelligent adult who knows his own mind.  This is about me and you.

When I receive texts and cards from you on my birthday, it just makes me feel sad because I remember that I don't really have a dad.  I have spent my whole life trying to forget feeling rejected by you.
I don't want reminders from you anymore.  It's like a ghost haunting me.  I'd rather just be left alone to enjoy my birthday with people who love me.

I appreciate that you might think that you are making an effort now but for me it's too little too late.  Sometimes there is too much hurt to move on.

Your son

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