Friday, 5 February 2016

Is it time to see my Doctor?


I'm really not in the mood to be writing but I'm forcing myself with the hope that it will help me to feel better.  I'm so fed up of feeling miserable.  I'm starting to get worried as I seem to be spiralling further into a deep, dark pit.  I  think the main contributor is work as I'm finding school extremely difficult; there's so much pressure all the time.  I also think, even after so long, I still get upset around my dad's birthday as I'm reminded of what I wanted so badly growing up.
happy birthday dad-how past can affect us

Tears keep falling with no warning and I get so anxious over nothing.  Yesterday I couldn't even respond to texts from my friends because my head was too cloudy and I was becoming very overwhelmed- my boyfriend had to respond on my behalf.  How ridiculous is that?  I am so grateful I'm able to keep up the act at work.  I'm abit grumpy but colleagues just think I'm stressed.  They'd be shocked if I told them how I really feel.
teaching and depression the perfect team.

Why can't I fight my depression and win once and for all?  I hate the way it creeps up every winter.  I'm in bed at the moment, listening to music, trying to relax before my boyfriend gets home.
He doesn't really get my depression and he doesn't have much patience for it; this puts more pressure on me to perform but sometimes I just can't at home.  I wish he knew how to fix me.  I wish I knew how to fix myself.

Perhaps I need to admit defeat and go back on medication.  I always feel like a failure when I have to go back to the doctors- I shouldn't but I do.  The medication I've been on before makes me feel ill in the mornings and causes me to behave like a sleepy robot - I lose my personality.

I'll monitor myself closely over the weekend and if I'm not coping I'll make an appointment.

Won't be beaten

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